Stoyan Kuzmanov: According to narcissists, whoever is not a "winner" is a "loser"

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Stoyan Kuzmanov: According to narcissists, whoever is not a "winner" is a "loser"
Stoyan Kuzmanov: According to narcissists, whoever is not a "winner" is a "loser"
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Stoyan Kuzmanov graduated from higher education in the speci alty - master-psychologist at VTU "St. St. Cyril and Methodius".

He specialized in gest alt psychotherapy at BIGT - Sofia. He is a member of the Society of Psychologists in Bulgaria, the Bulgarian Gest alt Therapy Association, and the Bulgarian Hypnosis Association. He underwent training in "Psychodynamic interview and basic therapeutic skills" at the "Psychodramatic workshop", mediation at the "PAMB", he is registered in the Unified Register of Mediators at the Ministry of Justice since 2016

As well as "Hypnosis and Hypnotherapy" and "Fear Technology" - at the Bulgarian Association of Hypnosis, "Leading small groups" - at the Bulgarian Institute of Gest alt Therapy, facilitator of the "Family Constellations" method.

Practices in a psychotherapeutic office "AtelierTO", Sofia. We talk to Stoyan Kuzmanov about the peculiarities of narcissistic personality disorder.

Mr. Kuzmanov, what is the psychological characteristic of people with narcissistic personality disorder?

- People who have narcissistic personality disorder are focused on boosting and stabilizing their shaky self-esteem. They stubbornly run from their own doubt. Narcissistic personality disorder involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and consideration for other people, and an excessive need for admiration.

Although narcissists often appear confident, they are all actually quite insecure. Their childhood leaves them with the belief that people fall into two main groups: "winners" and "losers".

What meaning do narcissists attach to the concepts of "winners" and "losers"?

- According to them, to be a "winner" you must be recognized by other people (and yourself) as perfect, special, unique and all-powerful. You must always be right and win every contest you enter. And anyone who is not a "winner" is automatically a "loser". As a "loser" you have no right to anything and are seen as "useless trash". Losers live to serve the "winners".

What is the narcissist – birth family correlation?

- Narcissistic personality disorders are basically divided into 3 types and are a byproduct of certain childhood family environments. All children want their parents' approval and attention. Children adapt to their homes, and often the most productive and sensible adaptation to some home situations is to become narcissistic. There are three childhood situations predisposing to the construction of a narcissist that we hear about most often.

The first is when one or both parents are narcissists. Narcissistic parents model similar values. In these homes, the coin of the realm is status and achievement. Children only get positive attention when they do better than their peers.

Love is conditional

You are loved and showered with attention only because of your successes. When children look good and succeed, parents feel that their achievements reflect well on the family.

Children who grow up in these families feel useful and loved only when they "win" and prove to the world that they are exceptional.

The second situation is in the presence of a devaluing narcissistic parent. Children in these families are continually devalued by their toxic narcissistic parent. They are publicly humiliated for any mistakes. They get the message that they are a disappointment to their family. Children react to this toxic message in one of two ways.

Some give up and reach failure, often becoming drug addicts in an attempt to escape their inner shame. Others fight back and try to prove themselves, their parents, and the world that everyone is wrong about them. They begin to chase achievements, often heartlessly kicking aside anyone in their path.

How can a parent turn a child into a "covert narcissist"?

- This is typical of a narcissistic parent who needs an admirer. One way to create a child who, when he grows up, will display a covert narcissistic adaptation is to reward him for admiring you and serving your needs. These children learn narcissistic values but are discouraged from showing them, that is, they are covert narcissists. Their role in the family is to uncritically celebrate the greatness of their narcissistic parent without ever trying to match or surpass his achievements.

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Stoyan Kuzmanov

What are the signs and symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder?

- Grandiosity is the defining characteristic of narcissism. It is an unrealistic sense of superiority. Narcissists believe they are unique or "special" and can only be understood by other such people. Narcissists also believe they are better than everyone else and expect recognition as such – even when they have done nothing to earn it.

They often exaggerate or outright lie about their achievements and talents. Because reality does not support their grandiose view of themselves, narcissists live in a fantasy world fueled by distortion, self-deception, and magical thinking. These fantasies protect them from feelings of inner emptiness and shame, so facts and opinions that contradict them are ignored or rationalized.

Another sign is that they need constant praise and admiration. A narcissist's sense of superiority is like a balloon that gradually deflates without a steady stream of applause and recognition to inflate it. Sometimes a compliment isn't enough. Narcissists need constant nourishment for their ego, so they surround themselves with people who are willing to satisfy their compulsive craving for validation.

It is also characteristic of their sense of exclusive rights. They truly believe that whatever they want, they should get it. They expect the people around them to automatically comply with their every wish and whim. That is their only value. If you don't anticipate and meet their every need, then you are useless.

Do they feel guilty at all when they treat other people like this?

- No, they exploit others without guilt or shame. Narcissists never develop the ability to identify with the feelings of others-to put themselves in their shoes. In other words, they lack empathy. In many ways, they view the people in their lives as objects that serve their needs. Narcissists simply do not think about how their behavior affects others. The only thing they understand is their own needs.

They often humiliate, intimidate, bully or belittle others. Narcissists feel threatened by people who do not bow to them or who challenge them in some way. The only way to neutralize the threat and prop up their own deflated egos is to humiliate these people. They may do so patronizingly or dismissively, as if to demonstrate how little the other person means to them. Or they can launch an onslaught of insults, name-calling, harassment and threats to force him to "buckle his tail".

Then what meaning does the narcissist put into saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way"?

- This is usually an attempt to avoid admitting guilt. They may be sincere, but not in the way you would prefer. If a narcissist had to finish the sentence "I'm sorry you feel that way" in the truthful way, he would insert the following meaning: "I'm tired of listening to your petty complaints," "I need to sound like I care," and "never I don't feel comfortable discussing how you feel".

People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to changing their behavior, even when it causes them problems. It is easier for their loved ones to simply comply with their demands to avoid the "coldness" and rage.

Are they willing to admit their problem and seek help?

- Due to the very nature of the disorder, most people are reluctant to admit they have a problem, much less seek help. However, when they do, narcissistic personality disorder can be very challenging to treat.

But that doesn't mean there's no hope or that change isn't possible. The main thing is that they realize and want to work on themselves and their behavior. In most cases, psychotherapy is a primary method by which a narcissist can gain new perceptions of himself and the world, as well as he althy patterns of behavior.

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