Get rid of the "virus" of perfectionism

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Get rid of the "virus" of perfectionism
Get rid of the "virus" of perfectionism
Anonim

In the previous two issues, we started the topic of the wrong thought patterns that each of us has in our consciousness and mind, and which practically determine our behavior and reactions in the various situations we find ourselves in every day. They are also leading in the way we react in the various relationships in our lives – with our children, with our partner, with our parents, with our colleagues, with our friends…

What are these wrong patterns and what are they? In this article, we will continue to look at some of them. Information and advice on this important topic for our he alth and life is again given by the weight loss guru, follower of Sri Chinmoy, yoga and author of Methodology for He alth, Rejuvenation and Longevity - Ivan Garabitov

How do you handle others' criticism of you? If after the word "You're wrong!", you form an idea in yourself "I don't like it", then the criticism has affected an area in which you are particularly sensitive. Where you feel confident, it will not be difficult for you to pass without reaction, whatever they say about you.

Everyone knows people who if you tell them they have thread on their shirt instead of "Thanks, I'll take it off" they take it as an accusation of carelessness. Most often, these are people who did not grow up in a benevolent environment. Unfortunately, adults do not always realize that if no one cares about the rules of communication, it is at risk. Let's list just two recipes:

Listening recipe:

"Nothing will come out of you because you don't hear what is being said to you".

Recipe for success:

"If you don't learn to keep your mouth shut, you won't succeed".

- Why mom?

- Because I say so!

No matter how the message is worded, it suggests that criticism should be accepted.

Such a child grows up with the negative feeling: nobody loves me, everybody hates me. That's how I'll live.

How do we learn to question criticism?

In theory, things are clear, but the more you were criticized as a child, the harder it is to develop an ability to judge criticism. Even as you grow older, there is no guarantee that all your childhood critics will be gone. Parents, for example, will reserve the right to criticize your actions as long as they live.

The process of judging which criticism is valid and which is destructive is continuous. Criticism must be filtered and graded. First we need to decide if it applies to us.

We can then proceed with appropriate questions to ourselves about the person criticizing us. The subject of research is his competence in the field in which he criticizes us. When someone wants to "stab you" and make you vulnerable, they can use aggressive insinuations at you: "Hold her in the waist"; "Aren't you going to call your wife?"

The more false the motive, the more offensive these insinuations. Indeed everyone is en titled to an opinion, but not all opinions are credible and it is your right to decide that.

The question: "Who says so?" is related to another question: "How many people and who say it?".

People who don't question their critics tend to accept single negative opinions as definitive, rather than looking for a way to compare them to other opinions. Since it is difficult to "accept judgment from everyone", our psyche is most strongly affected by statements - "Everyone thinks so" or "You will become a laughing stock of everyone". As children, "everyone" is our classmates.

In reality, however, there is no such thing as "all"!

It is true that there are values that society has reached a consensus on and adheres to. There are also prejudices and prejudices that can unite many people against you, but this has nothing to do with your qualities.

We have already talked about the "ability to read other people's thoughts" (by the way, in the previous issue of the application we talked about this trait of ours - to interpret the behavior of others, "knowing" what exactly they are thinking). To this we will add one more circumstance. In each of us there is an "inner critic" who puts only the ideal things on a pedestal.

The louder his voice, the more prejudiced we are about ourselves. This prevents us from giving ourselves a second chance.

How to question the "inner critic?"

Just ask him, "How are you sure?". Don't doubt that he will respond with something like, “I just know. I feel it.”

Don't settle for just that and look for new evidence. We must keep in mind that there is also criticism that is aimed at helping, but is not helpful. To determine how useful a criticism is, we will need to focus on what exactly is said, not on the emotions it evokes in us. To be useful, it must be meaningful - ie. to have value.

There is another important thing, you don't always have to react immediately to criticism. Your first impulse will be to be angry, to challenge the right to criticize you. Slowing down gives you a chance to control your automatic reactions. This will allow you to think through what was said, who said it, and what kind of response it warrants.

As strange as it may seem to you, you have many options to react to a criticism. For example, you can reject it. Do this if accepting the criticism doesn't make you or your life better. This is true even if the critic is your parent. Don't try to argue or change it.

There is an option where you can both accept the criticism and reject it. This is what happens if your boss insults you and you're not ready to quit.

Another approach is to dampen criticism by surrounding yourself with like-minded people.

Listening to criticism is not always a mistake. In some cases, this will help you take advantage of it. Although there is a saying "No one is perfect", perfection is something we are pushed towards from early childhood.

It is true that when we grow up, we come to the conclusion that in every perfection there are many imperfections, but it may be that we have already become infected with the so-called "perfectionism" virus. Life shows that what we call perfection is just a matter of opinion or timing.

In the game of chess, you can profit from the mistake of your perfect opponent.

Back in the 19th century, the French poet Alfred de Musset wrote:

“It is a triumph of human reason to understand perfection. The desire to own it is the most dangerous kind of insanity.”

This does not mean that high requirements are a bad thing. There is no area in life where the 'I almost fell short' excuse is accepted

The second danger of the thought pattern

of perfectionism arises in our relationships. If we feel that no one meets our requirements for a partner, we may be single for life. The fear of being "humiliated" prevents us from many participations and projects in life. This makes it more acceptable to do nothing rather than fail.

The ability to independently arrive at the solution

how important our personal perfection is to us is very defining. Only when we begin to realize what our pursuit of it brings us can we do the best for ourselves. The more we strive to be perfect in everything, the more time we will waste on trifles.

Try to imagine what your life would look like subject to the requirement of "all or nothing?" Maybe a part of us dreams of perfect children, husband or wife, the question is if when they are doing well, that means we are doing too.

If your perfection is important to you, start with this: “What do I have to sacrifice to be perfect? Is it worth it?”

The second important point lies in the answer to the question: "Am I correctly interpreting the reaction of others?" If we want to find out how others judge us, we simply do the best we can and take risks. It's clear that we can't win a race we're not in.

We should not forget that no matter how much we try to be self-critical by rejecting the positive opinion of others about us, after a while we will feel more discouraged than motivated.

In the next issue of the he alth app, we will continue with another mainstream thought pattern - the painful comparison with others and its consequences.

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